Simply sitting back and observing in a general crowd with children it becomes clear so quickly that children seemingly require permission to be human by so many adults.
To cry. To make mistakes. To go to the toilet. To have a hard time. To feel heard. To be excited. To be scared. To feel safe. To struggle. To own their bodies. To not be threatened. And so much more. Ultimately, children are consistently made to feel like they require permission to be respected and treated as the people they are.
“You’re okay, don’t cry”
“Oh, just be patient!”
“What’s wrong with you?”
“Calm down”
“It’s not that big of a deal, come on now”
“It’s not that scary”
“Finish your dinner now”
“Be quiet”
“Sit still would you!?”
“Because I said so”
“Stop whingeing!”
“Don’t be silly”
“Don’t talk back to me!”
“Come on, give Grandma a kiss”
“I’m not giving you that until you say please”
“If you don’t do X, I’ll [hurt you/take something away from you/put you in time out/etc]”
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I hear parents barking orders, lacking connection, and punishing their children for being children. It hurts my heart. Children don’t need to be punished to take what you’re saying seriously if it’s reasonable. All humans deserve to feel respected and heard. Why is it socially acceptable for children to not have a say in the decisions that affect them? You see, it doesn’t have to be this way, it’s a self-fulfilling system. If you spend your time battling the humanity of your children, of course parenting is not going to feel like an enjoyable experience.
Humans don’t like being controlled. Children, like all humans, resist control. Surely no one as a parent wants to be in charge of controlling people who don’t want to be controlled? This is precisely the struggle that authoritarian parenting creates. Parenting doesn’t need to be you vs them. Just like any relationship (even friendship) one with a foundation of respect is going to be far healthier and connected. Children don’t need to be controlled and forced and punished to learn. Children learn what they live. They learn how to cope with big emotions, conflict, difficulty, everything – from watching you. Modelling the values you hope to see in your children is one of the most powerful things you can do in raising them.
Children don’t need to earn their humanity. Children aren’t humans in training, they are humans right now. They’re not waiting to live their life, this is part of their life in this moment. Society treats children as though they’re preparing for a time where they’re allowed respect – and not before then. Until that time it’s acceptable to treat them as sub-human under the guise of parenting and education. For many, parenting is synonymous with punishment and learning is synonymous with schooling which are both so far off the mark.
This all comes down to childism and it is so deeply sewn into the fabric our society. So much so that talking about it creates such cognitive dissonance that I know I’ll get defensive, even angry comments sharing these thoughts. People who genuinely respectfully parent and speak up for the injustices towards kids are so often ridiculed. Like I’ve said in the past, I don’t want to be viewed as a ‘good parent’ by a society that thinks so little of children.
You can likely see examples of childism every time you step out of the house or open up the internet. Every day, in many ways, children receive the message that they are less important, less deserving of respect, unequal, and inferior, whether we mean to send that message or not. It is so ingrained into our society the majority don’t even recognise it. – Sara, Happiness is here.
The dehumanisation of children is accepted and sometimes even celebrated as adults joke about, mock, shame, blame and generally dehumanise the very people who are learning how to treat humans by watching us. I hear parents complaining about their children, often in earshot of the very people they’re belittling. I’ve seen people argue the idea that people don’t like children. What they don’t realise is that they tend to have a conditioned definition of what constitutes respect to children. People mostly only tolerate children genuinely being children.
I understand that parenting can be hard, which is often the excuse people use regarding ‘joking’ about children… but I’m not going to join in with the shaming of children. We don’t need to put down children in order to share in the struggles that we face as parents. It’s so cyclic in nature, this abusive discourse, that people lose sight of their part in it.
There’s a lot of ways that society feeds this inferior view of children. One is definitely confirmation bias. Parents can read about respectful parenting and see people sharing their successes but they often are only interested in the information that will confirm what they feel they have always known and be validated in their choices. It’s confronting to recognise that the ways we act may not be ideal for our children. It’s simpler to feed their conditioned views of children. Given that there’s no shortage of support for mainstream parenting, parents can so surround themselves with the view that the common authoritarian practices and disrespectful parenting are both necessary and best. Then due to their control and force their children act in ways that ‘warrant’ punishment in their eyes because the children themselves do not feel respected or valued or heard.
Another factor is how conditioned people are to view behaviours as indicative of the child themselves. Most people can distinguish between say their partners behaviours and them themselves. However, due to the systematic dehumanisation of children, many can’t segregate the two if a child is displaying behaviours we feel are ‘wrong’. Too often adults subconsciously think ‘the child = the behaviour’ so disliking the behaviour means disliking the child and consequently disrespecting them.
Children may behave in a way that feels unacceptable to you but the feelings that influenced their behaviour ARE acceptable. You can dislike and feel uncomfortable with your child’s reaction to struggle without dismissing their feelings or belittling their experience. Not to mention that you’re responsible for your reaction to their behaviour and it is your choice to meet their difficulty with compassion and empathy or resort to blaming/shaming/punishing/threatening. Meeting our children with compassion and empathy will always be the answer. Again, you don’t have to agree with their reactions and behaviour, but there’s never a time where the child isn’t worthy of respect.
Very frequently I hear that I need to stop judging parents. That I should respect all parenting choices. But I simply cannot respect that which dehumanises and disrespects children. I’ll happily challenge and perhaps bruise the egos of some adults in my efforts for advocate for children.
The point of this post isn’t to shame parents, but to empower us. All it takes is a perspective shift to dramatically alter how we parent and therefore how our children are treated and who they become. Explaining how we have gone so wrong and how we are protecting the dehumanisation of children is the only way we can begin this process. First you must recognise it, and it may not feel great reading about it because we have all been a victim of it ourselves as well as likely perpetuated it to varying degrees. But this is the powerful part – we can aim higher and dismantle this paradigm in our own lives! I’ve linked to different related posts throughout this to read more about specifics and what to do but essentially, it’s the opposite.
The only way this is going to change is if more and more people speak up about the dehumanisation of children. We need to unapologetically advocate for children. We need to bust the myths and break the stigma surrounding treating children with respect.
Parenting now needs to be about re-humanising children. My wish is that everyone could feel how it feels to have a relationship with your children that is based in protecting their humanity and individuality – one that is respectful, equal, compassionate and loving.
Thank you for reading!
You can find us on Facebook and Instagram for more unschooling and parenting inspiration.
Additional reading:
- Unconditional Parenting by Alfie Kohn – a must read!
- ParentSpeak by Jennifer Lehr – a significant read about how we talk to children.
- Positive Parenting by Rebecca Eanes.
Yes! Absolutely and wholeheartedly agree!
I was raised authoritarian mixed with wish washy, and traumatized as well.
But I always felt like something was missing, watching how people treat their children.
I’ve now been on a conscious journey of healing my inner child and learning about conscious parenting (Dr.Shefali).
I believe respectful parenting is very close to conscious parenting. Thank you for your writing! I love to read your posts!
Christina
thank you so much for this. it is nothing bit the absolute truth. it isnt opinion. it is fact. i needed to be reminded of this especially tonight after seeing family around my kids (holiday) and working out some of my own kinks and behaviors lately that id like to blame on stress but thats an excuse (its a very real one but all the same) so in thanking you i am feeling relief reminded love and connection.
Great post.
Hi! I just love this…
I’ve read some of your other posts and really enjoy them and feel that your parenting style resonates with mine…with that, I have a question for you. Do you have any advise on sibling rivalry – arguing, bickering…I have two little boys who struggle with big feelings and impulsivity – which seems to make getting along with each other even more of a struggle. I try to be respectful of both of their feelings, and hear each childs perspective on the issue at hand, but often they are so triggered that my attempts to de-escalate are in vain – and many times their squabbles escalate very quickly to physicality…therefore I do not feel comfortable giving them a ton of freedom to work things out on their own…any suggestions would be much appreciated!
Thanks so much,
Melanie
Yes yes so much yes!!
Thank you❤️
As a mother with BPD and depression and anxiety and fibromyalgia, my patience wears thin and I overreact to anyone around me at times. It’s extremely harmful if I do it to my children and I feel an immense and immediate sense of guilt on the occasions that I do resort to accusing them of whinging etc.
What I find hardest, however, is society’s beliefs. Everything you’ve written here is what I believe and KNOW to be true, and yet society wants us to carry on with these damaging ways. Inlaws and ‘friends’ who expect kisses and smiles and tickles and thank yous and no crying etc. That’s what I find hardest. Which is why articles like these are so very important. The sharing of them may help just one person, but that’s one less damaged child potentially ❤️
I would like to take your permission for using this blog for my upcoming talk with parents. I feel deeply saddened to see how society is treating children and I feel these words are doing justice to inspire parents make a transformation.
Here here some one has to say it and bring it to the attention of the world !
These children become the shame filled adults that struggle so much and create ego stories to cover up that shame pain!
I am a facilitator of Parent Effectiveness Training PET In this course we teach the skills to parent in a non shaming way and get our needs met also in the process !
The book available is Parent Effectiveness Training by Dr Thomas Gordan and we have a website listing facillatators ETIA Vic.com
It is very hard for people to believe they have a job, to be given guidelines for doing a “good job,” to strive to follow those guidelines against adversity and pain for years, only to learn that it’s all fake and that it may actually have done more harm than good. You do a wonderful job responding to the negative comments with warmth and conviction. Keep it up. The parents have been injured too – by a system that seeks more to make money off of them than actually help them succeed.
Can I just say.. your blog has changed my life for the better. I grew up in a dysfunctional abusive household and I have mirrored the parenting myself – something I never thought I would do. I have put your articles into practice and in just one week the difference in my 4 year old is incredible. I can’t believe I never realised before where I was going wrong.
Great post and well articulated. This is exactly my approach with my own children, grandchildren and students as an elementary administrator. So many times my students will tell me, upon reflecting about a behavioral choice, they just want to be “good”. I tell them they are good and that nothing they do or say will ever make them “not good”. They will always be good. Why do we try so hard as a culture of parents to discount and even severely harm the self worth of the humans in our lives with comments about being good or not being good? Please respect every human life. Children grow into adults and we keep our memories. Please make those memories valuable and affirming.
Great post. Thank you!
I believe there is a balance. Children are little humans, but they are not small adults. I am a high school teacher in the US. Many of the young people I teach have not had good examples of how healthy adults interact or behave, therefore they act disrespectfully and a little wild. I try to treat my own children in a loving and respectful way, but I do not speak to them as an adult. They do not understand as much as an adult, so I guide and direct them in the way they should go. A couple of the supportive comments here equate respectful parenting with permissiveness. I think that is absurd. If I treated every whim of my child as a genuine desire to be supported, my son would never turn off video games… Children have no impulse control, they need external control from a parent, or teacher, to help them do what they need to do to be successful.
No one is saying they need to be spoke to like they are adults. Simply that they deserve to be treated like people. We can guide without belittling.
We don’t do screen limits here and believe children when treated respectfully and autonomously certainly do have impulse control. We of course can voice our concerns and help them understand the consequences of things but every unschooling family I know practices this and finds the same – kids deserve more credit than people give. They imagine their controlled kids with full autonomy and assume they would react one way when they’ve never experienced children with their autonomy respected.
I wholeheartedly agree with your post. I am trying so hard with this but it’s taken a lot of inner work on myself to see what it is that stops me being able to parent in this way. Some of it has been so unconscious, so I have had to learn to be compassionate with myself when these things become more conscious to me. I have found that I am less accepting of feelings in my children that I do not allow myself to feel/have not been allowed in the past to feel. I have learned that I can be more respectful/compassionate my children when I am respectful/compassionate towards myself. You are right in that the dehumanising of children is an important issue that needs bringing into people’s consciousness. What I have found helps me is when people open up with their own experiences of how they have developed as a parent. When someone else shares their vulnerabilities and perceived shortcomings I kind of feel we are all in this together and I feel that it re humanises us all. Tricky thing to do though because I would prefer to keep my parenting mistakes to myself haha! I’m glad I’ve found your blog because I’m sure I will learn more. Thanks for posting :)
Clare, thank you for this post. By openly sharing feelings and the struggle, you have taken the fear and shame away and that allows us all to move forward. You are doing for others the thing that you found helpful to you! Wow!
For me, the closer I got to the reality of feelings and experiences from my own childhood the clearer I got to allow new skills of compassion and love to develop.
Once my mother, in anger, said, “I hope when you grow up you have one just like you!”
I felt so hurt and ashamed that my mother wanted me to suffer the misfortune she had experienced by having such a bad child, me. That was a painful memory.
When our son was 4 years old I was watching him one day feeling such gratefulness for him and for the joy he had brought to me and I said to him, “I hope when you grow up, you have a child just like you.” It was a healing moment for me. I turned her words into a message of love rather than revenge. I could be more open to learn more and love my child better when I could let go of the old hurts from my own childhood.
This is a wonderful website. The three books shown are scholarly AND respectful of humans in a way that is seldom seen.
You are right, we are all in this together. When we hear from others about their vulnerable and painful struggles, we know we are not alone. That gives us the courage to continue. Again thank you for your post.
Wow Glenna! You really alchemised that awful memory into gold! It is an amazing feeling isn’t it? It really is the hardest work and takes so much mindfulness, but it is so worth it. We are all in this together, we all have our wounds to heal from. Thank you for replying you have really encouraged me today 💕
This article is perfect and reflects exactly how I feel. Thank you for writing it beautifully and I’m happy to share in the hopes to enlighten others.
I think misopedia is a more accurate word than childism. I think it is a product of misogyny.
This is such a great post and something I feel strongly about, thank you. I’m disgusted by the number of comments I read on parenting posts that advocate spanking yet the same people wouldn’t dream of treating adults like that. And then we wonder why so many kids struggle with mental health issues…
I have been an educator for over 20 years- A Montessori trained teacher as well… I couldn’t agree more with what you have written!! I teach my students (preschool/kindergarten) that it is okay to feel angry, sad, disappointed, etc… it is what you DO with those feelings that can become a problem! I have ALWAYS treated ‘my kids’ with the utmost respect and it reflects in their behavior!!! Thank you for such a well written article.
“Children are human beings to whom respect is due, superior to us by reason of their innocence and of the greater possibilities of their future.” – Maria Montessori
Dehumanising children is a phrase my fifteen year old daughter uses a lot. As an unschooled teenager she is often appalled by the lack of respect and the excessive control and lack of trust that many children are subjected to. After being unschooled for a number of years and finding that it was a positive and life-affirming experience, she decided to write her own eBook on the subject, called “Unschooling: A Teenager’s Experience.” (Maisie La Pine) She has very strong views on the subject and I felt that the least I could do was to support her in this endeavour and enable her voice to be heard.
https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B06XQMZJQQ/ref=sr_1_1?s=digital-text&ie=UTF8&qid=1489864055&sr=1-1
Great post!
One of those things I’d share on Facebook, if all my parent friends didn’t think I was being judgmental…
I’ve always thought that if someone felt defensive or that they were being judged in their parenting decisions, they’re not 100% on their convictions, and, basically, they’ve got their own issues to work out.
So good to read your words thank you. I often try to talk about this but there is a cultural blindness that just cannot see that children are regularly seen as and treated as less than human. It is as clear as day to me and it is great to read your thoughts and know that other people are also trying to advocate for children.
thank you thank you and I wish you much strength and success.
Agreed.
LOVE this post and couldn’t agree more Rachel!! I’ve written about this too on my blog and copped the inevitable criticism of people telling me to stop judging them! But this is about kids and its a fight worth fighting. These amazing little people of ours need brave parents and adults willing to stand up for what they need, for what is right. Why is it so hard to be kind and respectful to kids? Will be sharing your post on my social media with my audience. Thanks again and so happy I found your site :) xx
Children look to their parents for guidance and it is a parent’s duty to provide that guidance. Not teaching children how to function in the world is neglect.
My daughter had to be taught that pointing/staring at disabled people and voicing her opinion about what she found gross was not appropriate. My daughter had to be taught that repeating racist words she learned at school was wrong and unkind. She also had to be taught that it’s OK to hug my sister who has a large birthmark on her neck. My daughter also once said she was going to burn down her friend’s house because she was angry with her–I encouraged her to reconsider her actions.
Had I not offered my guidance about these items, my daughter would not have known how to act appropriately. She’s now an adult and she often thanks me for being a good mom who insisted upon politeness and appropriate behavior.
Where did anyone say anything about not providing guidance? You’re mistaking respectful parenting for permissiveness. This is a fallacy. You may like to read my post on what we do do: https://www.racheous.com/respectful-parenting/what-we-do/
To be fair, your post spoke entirely of what parents need to stop doing without giving advice on what to do in situations when your kid is acting out with powerful emotions or being rude or hitting other children. No tools were given which is where I think Carol was coming from.
There are many links in the piece to other posts with more advice. I think people want a quick fix where in reality it’s about a paradigm shift in how we view children which is what this article is about. It never claimed to have all the answers within it. I write personal pieces, I don’t claim to be a parenting expert. I like to advocate for children and challenge societal norms.
The issue is that any person that is disrespectful to another person does not deserve to be respected back it has always been my opinion that in order to get respect you must give it. So many children have things just handed to them that no respect for property or people is what is learned by the children.
I’ve never found this with autonomous respected children I know. And I know many. I think there is a huge fear of permissiveness in our culture and it’s the norm to expect the worst of children but the one’s I see who are disrespectful are the kids who have been raised disrespectfully. They learn what they live.
Punishment is lazy parenting, I’ve found guidence, conversation and respect work better.
How we teach is everything.
Awesome post. Thank you for reminding us all. It is all too easy to fall into a bad pattern when it comes to parenting children. With the pressures of daily society it is very easy to dehumanise children, often without realising it. You might think that it is hard to treat children with the same respect as adults, and you would be right, to realise that it is not. In fact the more you don’t dehumanise children the easier it becomes to treat children in a respectful manner.
When I write about respectful parenting I am aware some parents might think I’m judging them. This can be a problem. If people become defensive then the conversation ends. I do like Jessica’s words.
Rachel, Thank you for this beautifully written post and for bringing attention to such an important issue. I’ve always thought if we spoke to other adults, even our friends, the same way most people speak to children, they would be appalled!
While I certainly haven’t mastered this yet, it was the way I was raised, and it’s the way we’re trying to raise our kids. It is amazing to watch how other people react to it though:
Yes, my kid did scream when you grabbed all the food on his plate and moved it. Want me to move yours?
Yes, my kid screamed when you picked him up coming off the bus because you couldn’t imagine he could navigate it himself.
Yes, my kid is 8 aisles ahead of me in the store, or almost a half block ahead of me on the sidewalk. They’ll stop, and come back when I ask them to.
Wow! I read this with tears! Thank you for this beautiful and necessary post!
Really enjoyed the post. Thank you.
Super enjoyed and RESPECT THE POST
I like this article and agree with many sentiments. However, sometimes I do have to say no to my child without offering other alternatives etc. Examples include my daughter (2) not wanting to go to bed. Or my daughter asking for junk food (which we don’t have in the house).
I respectfully say no and try to explain why in a clear and calm way but of course a toddler does not understand properly.
Do you have any helpful suggestions for these types of scenarios?
Thank you, Pen