I have wrote previously about parenting my sensitive child respectfully. Today I wanted to write about parenting a headstrong child respectfully.
When you hear about headstrong children – or strong-willed, spirited, even ‘stubborn’ or ‘difficult’ – it’s often negative.
My daughter is at a different space in the social and emotional spectrum. Before she could talk, she had already asserted her feelings and her ownership over herself and her wants. I knew I had to learn a whole new set of mothering tools to help nurture the person she is.
All children deserve to be respectfully parented.
Lucy is only 2.5 years old but she has made her strong personality clear. She is not afraid to tell you what she thinks and needs a damn good reason to not do something that she wants to do. Even after a reasonable explanation, she’ll often keep going; willing to prove her point regardless. She loves fiercely and isn’t one to follow.
Her headstrong personality lends itself to being unapologetically herself. She already is self-motivated and is happy to go after what she wants.
Boy, do I adore this girl! I want to protect all that she is and help nurture those attributes that could otherwise be seen as unfavourable.
Just as some people view Cameron’s shyness and difficulty in social situations as a result of my parenting choices, so too do people see a headstrong toddler as a byproduct of parenting. But just as it’s a character trait of his, her nature is inherently part of her too.
Like being ‘shy’, being headstrong has a social stigma too. I’ve been told by various friends and family that “she’s a handful” and “she’ll be trouble” all the way through to much more offensive descriptions and ‘warnings’.
Parenting a strong-willed child can be hard. If you let it, there can be power struggles. You can’t control your child, but you can choose to control your response. Really, like with any other parenting challenge; respect is mutual when you listen, are empathetic, give choices and set limits.
Ultimately, I accept every one of my children’s personality traits. I see their uniqueness and I focus on the positive. I think we should be celebrating the attributes our kids naturally have!
I think both of my children are brilliant. I love their unique innate selves. I think this is what parenting is about! We needn’t pressure or coax our children to conform to some ‘norm’. Not only is it ineffective but it’s harmful.
I know that personally as a child I was very headstrong but I was also shy. I had both of these characteristics that my children do as well as a myriad of other attributes. I remember being called bossy and manipulative as well as being teased for being quiet and a loner. I can see now that often these characteristics were seen as undesirable for my parents.
It seems like society places some form of Goldilocks pressure on kids. Not too soft, not too hard. Not too quiet, not too loud. Not too obedient, not too disobedient. Not too calm, not too hyper. & so on and so forth.
Yet all of us adults feature on this massive spectrum of personality. Despite years of conforming and judgement for certain traits, we are still a huge variety of personalities and strengths and weaknesses.
Still, many of us wear the emotional scars that prove how both ineffective and harmful this conformity is. Do we not? I bet you can think of examples.
So why not celebrate these differences in our children. Celebrate this rainbow of personalities and help nurture them to be the best person they can be WITH these traits, not in spite of them.
Update: she hasn’t changed.
If you’re looking for more of the HOW: read my post on helping kids deal with strong emotions and how we parent without punishment!
Thank you for reading!
You can find us on Facebook and Instagram for more unschooling and parenting inspiration.
Additional reading:
- Unconditional Parenting by Alfie Kohn – a must read!
- ParentSpeak by Jennifer Lehr – a significant read about how we talk to children.
- Positive Parenting by Rebecca Eanes.
I was the headstrong child you’re talking about, and at 7 months I can already assure you my daughter is. While this post is a nice “we should respect their personality and not squelch it to death” we need more of a “and here’s how that looks”. The principle is nice and all, but with no direction it leaves us no better than before. :)
More of the how: https://www.racheous.com/respectful-parenting/tips-strong-emotions/
We have a daughter who is very strong-willed and we have always seem it as one of her most treasured assets. Needless to say, there are others who think our child needs “more discipline” but thankfully she is our daughter so she has a safe place to be herself. Wonderful post Rachel…pinning!
I totally agree. It takes us sooo long to accept positive traits about ourselves, why not start from scratch. Celebrate those wonderful differences!
Great to read about your accepting and understanding approach with your kids. I was a ‘headstrong’ child too, and looking back I am very grateful to supportive parents too.
Lovely! We have a determined ball of joyful energy here too so can totally relate xx
Yes! So what are you doing?
More of the how: https://www.racheous.com/respectful-parenting/tips-strong-emotions/
I am really enjoying reading your posts at the moment. As the end of the school holidays arrive I realise how much I yell and how controlling I actually am, which is kind of new to me. I have two very energetic and boisterous boys with very determined characters. Hopefully your posts will help me work with them to make a more harmonious household with less power struggles :)
Thanks
Goldilocks pressure – so true! It would be impossible to make kids into a perfect specimen that no one would complain about – people love to look down on kids, no matter what. Parents drive themselves and their kids crazy in the effort. It’s better to quit that game, be ourselves, let our kids be themselves, and enjoy our lives instead!
My daughter Z (3.5) is like your daughter to a t. She is so independent and certain. She knows what she wants at all times and rarely settles for less than. I’ve struggled a lot with changing my behavior towards it. She is also exactly me,when I was her age I’m told. I grew up with authoritarian parents and public school. And now I have horrible anxiety and get overwhelmed and angry quickly. Probably because I was dismissed instead of taught how to handle it.
Anyways, like I said I struggle with not being my parents, but I’m improving every day. I have slip ups of yelling or trying to control her. It’s so hard. But I see how different she is when I control my behavior and am respectful with her. It’s night and day. I just wanted to thank you for talking about this and sharing. I’m so glad I came upon these ideas (Unschooling and respectful parenting) that people are trying to make more public. I’m hoping that I can help her to have better love for herself and the world than I have/had. Thank you for helping me , help her.
Thank you for this! I’ve got one very strong willed child, another moderately so (named Cameron, great choice in name!).