In mainstream parenting, ‘misbehaviour’ is lamented as the reason why children need punishment, control and manipulation. The focus is on the behaviour, what the child is doing.
In respectful parenting, we are more intentional. We look deeper. All behaviour is communication. It’s not about the behaviour, but what prompted the behaviour?
The term ‘misbehaviour’ in itself is such an otherising concept. It really feeds that you vs your children mentality, which is so unhelpful. Do you ever hear adults saying other adults are misbehaving? I don’t often. Not unless someone is being condescending.
Children deserve to be able to make mistakes too. They should be able to behave in less than ideal ways. Surely, I mean they’re learning how to cope with big emotions, deal with conflict and assert their needs in a world that doesn’t value them like they should.
Children are not their behaviour
Most people can distinguish between say their partners behaviours and them themselves. However, due to the systematic dehumanisation of children, many can’t segregate the two if a child is displaying behaviours we feel are ‘wrong’.
Too often they subconsciously think ‘the child = the behaviour’ so disliking the behaviour means disliking the child and consequently disrespecting them.
Children may behave in a way that feels unacceptable to you but the feelings that influenced their behaviour ARE acceptable. You can dislike and feel uncomfortable with your child’s reaction to struggle without dismissing their feelings or belittling their experience.
Not to mention that we as parents are responsible for our reaction to their behaviour and it is your choice to meet their difficulty with compassion and empathy or resort to blaming/shaming/punishing/threatening. Meeting our children with compassion and empathy means validating their emotions and helping them find solutions to what is causing them struggle.
‘Misbehaviour’ – is it okay?
Let’s banish the term misbehaviour and recognise that it’s all behaviour – positive or negative. Children have the right to react to things that they find difficult, regardless of how comfortable that is for us.
People often say well children need to be taught that ‘misbehaviour’ isn’t okay. Generally they mean that children need to be punished. But no human (and children are people too!) meaningfully does better by being made to feel worse.
The ironic thing about compliance is that a child who feels consistently loved/respected/heard/valued is more likely to trust and comply with their parents. Obedience isn’t the goal with respectful parents but this still rings true.
The more the parent is demanding/controlling/forceful, the less the child will be compliant because the love and respect of their parents feels conditional. Parents consequently end up making it harder for themselves and more and more force is needed then they lose sight of the child, the child then acts out more and the disconnection continues.
Behaviour should be a signal, not an offence
A child’s behaviour is often seen as an offence. How dare they act in this way!
Ultimately all these behaviours should be treated as a signal – what needs of the child are not being met?
When the focus becomes what is driving the behaviour, rather than the behaviour itself, that’s where connection begins.
Are they hungry?
Are they tired?
Are they overwhelmed?
Are they feeling uncomfortable?
Do they feel connected to you?
Are you expecting too much of them?
Do they feel heard?
Are they feeling judged?
Do they feel belittled?
Are they feeling controlled?
Do they feel disrespected?
Does something feel unfair to them?
I typically start with a question or statement that shows I understand the above, then in some instances I ask how I can help.
For example, “Are you feeling tired? Would you like help resting?” “It’s been a long day, you must feel overwhelmed, how can I help?” “You really want a turn, it’s hard to wait” “You feel like she isn’t listening and it’s really frustrating” “That didn’t work out how you expected, that must be upsetting.”
Sometimes I won’t even mention the behaviour – unless it is for example hurting someone. I always keep it simple if I do and help block any physical harm if necessary – “I won’t let you hit your brother, that hurts” “You’re yelling so loud because you feel so frustrated” “You’re saying some really hurtful things because you’re feeling hurt”.
It’s so powerful to place the focus on what needs are not being met and starting there. Let’s see all behaviour as an indicator of what your child is internally processing and support them unconditionally.
Thank you for reading!
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I am an educator and I work with children with special needs. Many times throughout the day, I need to remind myself that, when a student/child behaves in a manner that is seen as negative, there must be an underlying reason. However, it occurs to me that, if children use behavior as a method of communication; to convey their emotional state, then they understand, on some level, whatever actions they are taking, elicit a response.
My question is, if children understand this, is it possible that they can make the choice to display a certain behavior because they KNOW that it will elicit this response? If so, how can we as parents, educators, etc. distinguish between an emotional response v.s. a conscious choice?
Of course this is wonderful, but sadly does not work for some children. My son does not want to be told how he feels and will shout, scream, hit, tell me not to talk ‘like that’. He does not want to be held either before or after his expression of strong/big emotions. If he hits me, and I stop him/say ‘I can see you’re angry but I won’t let you hit me’, he starts saying, ‘I’m stupid, I’m disgusting, hit me hit me’, and so on. It is a rapid fire cycle and hard for me to know what to do as all my gentle/respectful options are rejected. So, I can say and do nothing except, ‘no you are not stupid, you are beautiful and I love you no matter what and I will not let you hit yourself’. It’s hard not to freak out when your child hits themselves as a reaction to hitting you because he’s frustrated or angry with you for setting a limit of any kind. Anyone else here?
hi I know this post is from a time ago but I feel such sympathy! Children are born so different, (look at field of epigenetics) so what works for one won’t for another. Working in kindergarten I feel it is like surfing a wave, always alive to the freshness of each new moment and handling it appropriately…….
Also over 30 yrs ago I wanted to parent like this and did so as much as I could given my own conditioning……..but found that often ‘society’ didn’t like it…….if my child was the only one not saying a conditioned parroted ‘thank-you’ she copped it whereas the ones who had learnt that response were liked and rewarded. Difficult to observe. And some personalities will automatically imitate the manners around them with no big deal over ‘thank-you’ whilst others will react to any suggestion they ‘should’ say thank-you……in past days a tribal society would all have the same social rules I guess, so everyone knew where they where. Our individualising society is in process, a painful process. But a brighter dawn is on the horizon. I think I didn’t know how to give strong calm boundaries whilst rejecting the ‘punishment’ style of my own parents. It can be done and sometimes ‘No’ is a huge relief to a child.
My question is what to do when recognizing their feelings isn’t enough.? For example, my daughter wants to stay at home with me because I’m on mat leave but she needs to go to school. I showed compassion for her wanting to stay home but in the end she needs to go and this usually ends in a morning meltdown
I believe. In your case I would laccept her feelings( not wanted to go to school ) , and also ,the hardest job for you, find why she doesn’t want to go to school . So what is behind the behavior? Maybe she doesn’t like school, her friends at school, the teacher, something bad happened at school, she misses you , she wants to spend time with you, she is worried for you, she is tired etc.Although , I believe in her case it seems that she dearly misses you and she thinks she lost your love because of the baby, or even she might be a bit jealous on the baby… Have a conversation with her about her feelings .
Instead of telling the kid how they feel “you are doing this because you feel that” — should you not be ASKING the kid — “are you are doing this because A or B or maybe C”? and get them to recognize the name for their feelings early on? Helping them sift through the feelings list and being able to name their emotions then communicate them seems UBER important.
I agree Riis, allow Them To tell Us what they are feeling.
Except for when they are young and do not know the words for feelings, the way you teach them is by telling them.
Thanks for the gentle reminder.